“Tell the negative committee that meets in your head to sit down and shut up.” – Ann Bradford
I fired myself today. No two weeks notice. No severance package. No exit interview. I looked at myself in the mirror and in my best Donald Trump imitation mouthed: “You’re fired.”
It was a long time coming.
As far as relationships go, I just wasn’t that into me, so I made the not-quite-as-painful-as-I-feared decision to break up with myself.
I’ve always been my own worst enemy and detractor, with no shortage of people in my life who only magnified these tendencies. No matter what I did, it wasn’t enough. No matter how much I gave, it wasn’t enough. Not time. Not effort. Not expertise. Not love.
I’ve always felt wanting, as if I could silence the critic in my head if I did “just” a little more, gave a little more, forgave a little more.
Those who truly knew and loved me were quick to point this out. Not to hurt me, but to remind me that I was enough – more than enough – just as I was. My inability to see that hurt them as much as it did me. I gave my devotion to the internal critic, fed its insatiable appetite, and let the compassionate voice inside me starve.
Imagine yourself trying to go to sleep all the while undermining, critical voices keep playing in your head. They demoralize you at every turn, follow you around 24/7, intrude as you work to set goals or complete tasks. They drone on in the background as you’re having conversations. And when you try to repel them, they pull you off track, wear you down and drain your confidence.
We all carry these inner messages around with us. We learned them in our earliest years from family, teachers, friends and other important people in our lives.
Becoming a grown woman doesn’t mean these old messages go away. Negative or positive, these messages become the backdrop of your life. They are a constant prattle that affects how you feel about yourself, how you deal (or don’t deal) with problems, and how successful (or unsuccessful) you think you are.
Becoming totally fed up with this critical voice running in my head is what gave me the resolve to fire myself today. It’s why I am leaning into ways to silence – or at least put a muzzle on – the endless barrage of negative dialogue that runs through my head.
I’ve chosen to change what I feed. I’ve chosen to place my focus, expend my energies, on the voice of compassion that up until today has been largely left to fend for herself.
And you can choose to do the same.
Think of it this way: If you had a friend or partner who constantly undermined you, criticized and insulted you, would you continue to spend time with this person?
My guess is that you wouldn’t.
You would cut her or him out of your life because you know, instinctively, that you deserve better than this. So why accept this from yourself?
The problem with this kind of negative self-talk is that it’s so ingrained in you it may feel comfortable and familiar. Perhaps even normal.
But make no mistake – this inner critic is not your friend. It’s as destructive to your sense of self as any chronic disease is to your health.
You have choices to make about what you listen to in any given moment. Your strength lies in:
1. Recognizing your own inner critic and intercepting her messages immediately.
2. Identifying situations that serve as a trigger for your self-critical thoughts and being ready to counter them with compassion, reason and facts.
Fact: (noun): Something known to be true; truth or reality of something; piece of information; actual course of event; something based on evidence.
You need to believe, right down to your bones, that you don’t have to respond, defend or obey in reaction to your inner critic. Instead, let your compassion and reason – two voices that have most likely been starving up until this point – address the distortions that your inner critic wants you to believe.
Arguing with what your inner critic is saying to you is like trying to convince someone to let go of a delusional belief. It’s not going to work.
Your goal is to diminish your critical voice, so don’t empower it by defending yourself. Instead, strengthen your relationship with your voice of reason. This undercuts your inner critic without giving it more airtime.
When you state the facts – evidence-based, truth-based and real – you open the door to problem solving and close it to further self-criticism.
But don’t expect to master this overnight. You’ve had a lifetime of feeding the inner critic at the expense of yourself.
Change is never linear, and you can be sure that your path will be as unique and complex as you are. But the more you actively engage in the process of applying reason and compassion to the negative self-talk as it happens, the more muscle you build. You’re no longer feeding the beast, and you will emerge more confident, clear, focused and free.
Remember, in your relationship with your inner critic, she’s just not that into you. Dump her. And move on…
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Want to learn more about how to fire – or at the very least muzzle – your inner critic? Sign up for the advance preview list for my workbook: [R]evolution: A Soulful and Practical Guide to Creating the Life You Want. Those who sign up in advance of the February 14th launch will receive exclusive offers and bonuses, so click on the link here to be added to the list.
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